Sitting on the Subway

Young child...if only you knew how easy your youth is. Just slowly eat your apple slices and continue to search in your dear mothers eyes for guidance. Honestly I wish I took advantage of youth while I had the opportunity. Everything is far more critical during adulthood, and the climb to independence.

However, everytime I see a child with saintly eyes, it does bring a smile to my face. Be happy, you're entitled to it. What makes me even happier is when his or her mother smiles right back at him, nestling him with care, and ultimately providing him with the guidance that we all need, love.

I am faced with a decision of the ages, move back home with mom and dad, or continue with my struggle to give my life meaning. Is it giving up if I go home? Maybe not, but if I do decide to move back I feel like I have given up on myself, and my goal to make something out of nothing...(Having moved to nyc, not more than 100 dollars to my name, and the clothing in my suitcase). It's been tough and I've learned so much.

So what is the next step? Day in and day out I ponder the consequences of each...I can go home anytime...why now? Is it worth it to sacrifice the comfort and ease of living at home to reach it in the future, and if not today why not tomorrow? The lesson I am learning is that no matter how many times I relocate it well be the same struggle, to establish something when It didn't exist to begin with. If I move home then it will just be an easier lifestyle. Most importantly, I am learning how to handle each stressor, each obstacle in my life, and how to plan accordingly. As my chorale director said in high school, "if it was easy, everyone would be doing it". I will set myself apart, head to bigger and better things, and take advantage of the benefits life has to offer.

So here I sit riding the subway to Brooklyn to pick up some of my belongings, watching a mother nurse her child with tender, loving, care. It truly is beautiful and honestly brought a slight tear to my eye. I hope this child forever remembers that his mother gave him life, or at least loved him regardless of biological significance. I hope he knows that she was there, wiping the small chunks of apples away from his hands and mouth, and held his hand when he needed motherly contact, and kissed him when he felt alone or lost. And I also hope the mother will always love her son, even when he strays away, neglects her feelings and her pains, because I did so myself, and I regret it.

<3dvs

An Old Flicker.

Today has made me realize a couple things.

I wish I knew what they were, and that I could explain them. But whatever happened...I feel good. Recently I intervied for a beautiful apartment in the financial district downtown. It's AMAZING AND I REALLY REALLY REALLLY REALLY REALLLLLLY WANT IT!

oh btw. I definitely got cast for Ugly Betty!!!(background actor...but that means i could totally get a speaking role if they like me). Also finished my resume recently and will be looking for new jobs almost pronto.

Please keep your fingers crossed everyone I want both things to happen so much!


It's absolutely way too late, and I really need to get some rest.

Goodnight all
<3dvs


ps.wtf.

The Search is On!!!

Hello all,

i'm on the go...weeding through different apartments looking for the one that...
a. I can afford. (fuck)
b. Is nice (good luck)
c. Gay Friendly (well it is ny)
d. Non-drug users (well it is ny...goodluck)
dsquared. non-psycho. (yeah i'm out of luck)
e. someone who doesn't put "vgl" in their cl post

I've viewed just a couple places so far, and have been asking friends near and far if they know anyone here in the city looking for a roommate. The places I have viewed are both rather nice. One which is close to where I've been staying needs a design star makeover, but the room is pretty big, has a window, and the renter is pretty nice (soft spoken but none the less...nice).

L'autre...well all together it's a beautiful apartment, however the room that I would be taking is...unfurnished, and I cannot ever sleep on a futon again. I wish it had a window, and was closer to the A train, but the overall apartment is great. And the roommate seems nice as well.

So I've been spending a lot of time worrying about where to live, but also, my career seems to be at a halt. Fashion would be the ideal place for me to work, but so many places are at a hiring freeze. I am hoping that having contacts in the industry will help me out, but I am really not sure.

...So confession. I can't stop impersonating "bon qui qui" at work. May the lord help me. Too many times now have I stopped people when they interupt, "You c me tryin' ta have a convasahion....dooon inerup.... ruee!".

I wish I had something more important to write about, but unfortunately today was rather boring. Did some laundry, worked, and that's about it.

more next time I promise. btw...i this vid and her spunk.
<3

dvs

Jaded?

So here I am...once again.

My bag getting heavier each day, and my heart colder as each passes. As much as it feels nice to be appreciated how often does it happen?

I once felt bad for this person I knew in Boston who had a pretty terrible life, living life from couch to couch. And now I know what it feels like. You assume your friends will always stay beside you, but in all honesty, I haven't found many friends who would do such a thing, and that may be because i'm looking in all the wrong places. I have found it so easy to call someone I've just met a friend when in all reality, they give themselves the right to search through your feelings, possessions, and your mind, recklessly.

Call it karma if you will, because I myself have done the same thing.

Dating has also been fairly tough. Despite how many beautiful men there are in this dangerously glamorous city, they're minds do them no justice. It's a shame really. I may fall head over heels too quickly but it would be great to say for once, it wasn't a one time thing. I wasn't just replaceable, that I had some bearing in someones life.

I did talk about a scam recently and instead of disposing of the fake money orders I kept them in my possession to remind myself to be careful and keep a weary eye of people looking to use me, or make a fool of me. Too bad, keeping them did more harm then actually trashing them.

So I have some goals.
-Look for an apartment
-Look for a new job
-Stop looking for friends (i'm sure they will come in due time)
-Read an insightful piece of literature
-End procrastination
-Stop looking for love (once again...it will come in due time)
-Call my brother (the one person that I love more than life itself, and the one person that I am doing this all for. Being a positive role model is what I want more than anything...to show him that dreams are worth pursuing and that life is going to be a disgusting drag queen from hell tearing you down from the floor your stand upon, but no matter what, no matter how much pain you'll endure, it's always worth trying to make those dreams into hope, for someone else)


Anyways...on a less sad mood.
I've been listening to some amazing mixes of la roux and madonna, that my friend Reed sent to me. Not sure if they've been officially released so I don't think i can send them out...but mix or no mix, you should definately listen to both artists=D

<3
dvs

Thank You.

Thank you thank you thank you!!!

I am so fortunate to have the support from my friends and acquaintances. You guys have been so helpful in my pursuit of "dream following". I may not be famous or necessarily wish to be, but every time I read a comment congratulating me on successes I have, it really hits home.

Anyways...I just watched the funniest video ever, and I recommend someone watch it, especially if any of you reading this are from Holyoke Massachusetts, which if my demographics are correct, is THE PLACE, outside of Puerto Rico, that has the largest population of Puerto Ricans.



BTW...it's getting very cold in NYC.
<3dvs

When Dawn Calls

Well...to start off. Welcome to Grand Central...(le apartment). Some great people staying here, funny, to say the very least. Models to actors, this place is almost as diverse as the UN.

My roommates guests, and a couple of the roommates themselves went out to a bar, and Billy and I watched Ms.Lisa Lampinelli and listened to the Spice Girls, Avril Lavigne, T.A.T.U., and yes of course...a tiny bit of Madonna, till Dawn. Unfortunately we finished my entire pack of Gauloises (my first), and the Bacardi.

Tonight was also my first encounter with Bon Qui Qui from King Burger. For the next 2 weeks straight I don't think my eyes will divert from this computer screen in hopes to become the woman she is.

Billy and I have some goals we would like to set in place, 1. Nose Hair Trimmers 2. Gym
3. DC/Virginia Bound. 4. Dress up like 2 bums and take a crazy photoshoot (Weaves, Perms, Nails, and Grocery Carts included).

Hopefully I'll be productive today have Brunch with a friend, and yob hunting this afternoon.

<3dvs

A Beautiful Day in Philly

Today was amazing!

On a last minute whim, I decided to head to Philadelphia to shoot for "troofire photo", and we could not have been more lucky with the weather and light. I never knew that Philly was so beautiful. And to make it even better, the photo's came out great (modestly speaking of course). Anyways...the trip went extremely well, and now I am back in Manhattan, lying in a warm bed, and hoping tomorrow is just as amazing.

BTW....There has been this person pretending to work for FHM magazine...and I believe they are trying to scam me. Here is the layout... They say... " We chose you after a screening for a shoot for our magazine. We're going to pay you usd 1650. But...what they also mention is that I have to deposit 500 dollars immediately into my bank account so I agree to shoot with them, then I have to send out the rest of the remaining money to the stylist (third party=bad news), via western Union. Mind you, the e-mail they sent had terrible grammer, and from someone from UK...that works for a leading magazine, it seems a bit odd. Anyways what they basically get you to do is, send out the money cash, to a third party, however because it's a International Check it takes 10 days to clear, after those ten days, it bounces, and guess what...you just paid someone almost 1500 in your own money, because the bank demands that you pay the balance. I'm being very weary of this whole situation, and checking the funds before I even venture into this so called shoot.

But...it is getting a bit late, so goodnight world.
<3dvs.

P.S. hope you like the new pics.

the justifcation of "eating our emotions"

So...I told myself earlier this morning (6 a.m) that I would set my alarm and arise at 10. Did that happen? No of course not.

We can just assume though that my intentions were there, and the given my lack of sleep it would be more appropriate to wake at 11...and maybe if I push it, noon. Instead I wake at let's say. 1:30...just to check my random texts from friends, and then once again fall back into an un-wakeable slumber. I wake up at 5.

So maybe today is just one of those days, where getting up at the wee crack of dawn just isn't going to happen. I then layed in bed another hour facebook stalking my friends into submission, and then editing photo's that should've been edited ages ago. There is a recurring pattern here.

I also think that my title is not fitting at all, because in no way have I even begun to explain why eating our feelings is ok.

Anyways I tried to become a bit productive today by, not showering and making my way out the door to the grocery store located ever so close to my apt.

What did I buy?
Apple Cider, Chobani Yogurt, Non-fat pinapple cottage cheese (it's an addicition), Lu "herbes du provence" crackers, penne noodles, artichokes, diced tomatoes, ...caviar? , CINIMAN RAISON BAGELS!!! , strawberry cream cheese, grapes, and ice cream.

Most of these purchases we're probably not benificial to my health let alone worth the expense, however, I felt the need to buy crackers and caviar to satisfy the old queen listening to Billy Holiday while sipping a glass of red and smoking a mild cigarette, in black satin gloves, and an outdated dress, topped with a heinous fur hat. (I used to get in trouble with run on sentences in college...I may still have that problem).

So that being said, I did down the entire pint of Hagen Daaz, and had a couple crackers with caviar, and yes smoked a dunhill. I was missing the outfit, but I think my mindset primarily completed the feeling. Justification, no...however I do think that it was semi-relieveing after a long day backstage at loris dirons "luna park" fashion show in Brooklyn for the Housewives of new york. I can't tell you how many greenhouse boys graced that event, all wearing a-morir sunglasses and some statement piece that exempts them from living in reality.

There are however almost 2 hours left in the day for me to find something to do with my life other than facebook stalking and pretending that somewhere in this world is the answer that will make me wholesome, and a bit less jaded.

<3dvs